Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in black_egg_tar's LiveJournal:

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Sunday, October 21st, 2007
9:06 pm	Intention Noticing that there is a major difference between physically putting body into alignment/ having tension to line up body and using my intention to lengthen extend relax into alignment. I have heard the words many many times but the physcial feeling of using intention to elongate structure is really neat. This is something I'm very much excited to explore more. It seems I am more calm and confident - and I move with more purpose after standing tall and using my intention to straighten back lengthen neck and relax lower belly right above pubic bone (this is huge in the mood relaxing calming thing). there is a distict feeling of my spine being straight and my flesh hanging from my bones (not limply but a full relaxed hanging like a sinking feeling). sorry if this is sort of rambling and jumbled but thats how my brain is working today . . . up until now . . . So theres really three main things I've been working on 1) standing tall (this includes long neck and straight back) 2) relaxing lower belly 3) using intention to do the above two things I've just noticed something neat about what I felt while writing the above. When I did the up until now thing I put some intention on being more focused and organized and Wham! I was instantly moving (typing) with more purpose (more sturcture, which is what I needed right then to move toward wuji). Neat! Current Mood: calm (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, September 3rd, 2007
9:03 pm	appreciation Hey guys dicovered something cool. When my mind was wondering during stance I decided to appreciate my mind (something I usually take for granted) and appreciating my mind helped me settle down and focus big time! Question: In 8 pieces brocade the book says to rub hands until hot then hold breath and massage kidneys . . . why hold breath instead of what mr. R. said on sunday? (with the breathing inhale exhale and the two different directions of massage one for firing up bringing chi out the other to nuture kidney and develop chi in long run) So what is purpose of holding breath during the massage? And what do you recommend? cheers hope y'all had a great class while I was out of town this past weekend. Current Mood: focused (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, August 23rd, 2007
12:09 am	keep on keepin on during stance today my upper back right side ached and right base of neck sore as well as left knee some discomfort. nice fascial strech up left side and up left side of neck and a little in left trap more like the nice strech I've got in right side. this occurs when I relax my left side and do the shoulder adjustment plus the belly connection thing. Also helps during the walking to keep my hips level like in side to side as well as keeping 1 and 2. Feel a little spiral strech in the quads while walking. Also noticed that when I get the strech up the left side so both sides have strech it is easier to relax my chest and my butt. also the burn is more intense in the back of my shoulders and weight/burn heavier in legs too. Current Mood: hot and tired (Comment on this)
Sunday, August 5th, 2007
9:59 pm	squats are dope I had been feeling irritated/frustrated with my apparent lack of progress/results in physical training and lack of motivation before. Rediscovered how squats contribute to opening up the lower back and muscles around the outside up of butt. Help the #2 sit thing while keeping #1. Very cool - played with it in stance. Here's some things that been kickin' about in my head: How do I keep and further develop the sensitivity and awareness of other people and also maintain and develop my sense of self and good healthy boundaries? Example good connection with patients is desirable, but identifying with their pain begins to make it real for me so must realize that their pain doesn't hurt me at all - it's theirs - so I don't feel bad in fact I feel good about analyzing whats up (where the awareness and sensitivity are useful) and helping them out. Also: Noticed that I had been attempting to shut off / not use some of my strong points . . . i.e. the intense disapline from when I was younger - nazi/karate/warrior thing - this stuff helps have a strong intention so why not use it so long as I can maintain flexability. Another thing I had been avoiding was my drive to achieve ability, status, money, etc. Hey ya know fuck it I'll use darkside stuff who gives a shit as long as I am developing something and gaining awareness and understanding it's actually allowing me more freedom i.e. .lightside stuff. (theres a switch to myself in there making me wrong for thinking that control stuff is/was wrong or I should / shouldn't use certain patterns) And: Hey R do you remember mentioning the dragon path a few years ago to me in the statement "I might have to take you down the dragon path." That popped into my head today during first couple min of intense stance after squats. What is that dragon path? Were you refering to the same dragon thing as the YiQuan book did with the Tiger and Dragon stuff or is it something different? Another thing I noticed: While writing this I usually write something phrased in the away first and then change it to the towards like an away from away - ha ha great way to learn towards right - shit wonder if I'm just developing more away or actually getting the feeling of toward through a circuitous route. In anycase I don't actually give a fuck as long as I'm happy and get stuff done / am as functional as possible. Who gives a shit what it's called light, dark, away, toward doesn't really matter. Also Noticed: been sort of switchy and judgemental today - ready to fuck somebody's shit up or atleast make them feel really stupid if they're dumb enough to transgress on my shit. In addition: the above angryness may be related to opening up the shoulders since I've been playing with that or to bio work freeing up anger stuff - who knows and again who cares as long as it works and is contributing to increase the functional. (felt like revising the last sentence to . . . MY functional ability for ME!) More noticing. Anyhow hope y'all had a good class - catch you guys next weekend - I'll be outta town from tues through friday. Current Mood: thoughtful and mixed (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, October 24th, 2006
9:07 pm	feeling a bit blah but no worries. Still wabbling between business and bio schools and all that shit. Going to get to the career ceneter and take an aptitude test soon. Registered for the GRE and GRE subject test so thats a step. Feek a bit lost. I'm almost feeling like I should just flip an F-ing coin, but we'll see what the career center has to say, and what comes up in the next few weeks. Training. All is well except that past 2 days my right ring finger is aching and sore dont know why. My left shoulder is aching and crunching a lot, and my upper back is really tight from being a bit stressed out. Im really tired. I may be tightening up under stress which feels horrible after being so wonderfully open/relaxed last week esp with the help of D and R's body work over fall break. P.S. thanks for helping me out guys. J Current Mood: edgy and stressed (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, August 4th, 2006
9:09 pm	Hey guys, been a while since I posted, been really busy with work and such. I'm looking forward to this Sunday for class. Stance - I've been standing most days, but the amount of time spent standing is not as long as I would like it to be. Mostly b/c I wait until before I go to bed to stand and I've been really tired lately from working physical job and then staying up late and trying to fit in partying also. Silk Reeling - most days also somewhere from a few minutes to up to about an hour. Working a lot of staying tall and keeping chest open. Also extending heels down and head up same time. Had interesting results yesterday with SR. I did about 20 min in the morning and then 1/2 hour later after work and toward the end of the 1/2 I felt a pulling tugging cracking in my left shoulder near the cist, and after practice my shoulder felt like it could move smoother and when I looked inthe mirror the cist was about 2/3 the size it has been for almost a year! Awesome! 5 rites - another practice I would like to do more often. Rite one after the spinning I stop and just stand there for a sec and it feels like magnetism is moving around on the surface of my body in an upward spiral in the same direction of the spinning. "don't know what this is about but fun to notice." noticed in rite 4 table and rite 5 the strech and connection are increased when I rotate my shoulders outward and expand my upper chest and throat (brings back up more flat from underneath/behind). This also sometimes leads to deep chesty cough and opening of sinuses in head - more mucus flow and drainage (clicking in my ears). Took today off after work just to take care of John instead of running all over the place chasing fun, trying to make progress, trying trying trying. haha feels nice to just be with myself for a few hours and do whatever. Can't wait for few days between end of job and starting of OA duties b/c I'll have way more time to play with training stuff and sleep. Current Mood: excited (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, July 9th, 2006
2:55 pm	It's ok, Relax and Allow, Willingness Sunday class - gotta buy myself one of those clicker counters seems like a fun tool for many games to play. We talked a lot about noticing, allowing, and willingness. I like the it's ok idea - it's an accepting anchor. This really helped me open up my throat and upper chest and let that area move and come alive. In any case the it's ok and also the cool anchor deals are positive reinforcing types of noticing. Willingness is present tense and allows for choice, where as needing or having to or having chosen to means that there isn't a choice it feels more like a responsibility and a chore instead of a fun interesting exciting choice. These other things like needing or having to are not present but past or future when brought to the present things become more clear and movement and action feel more natural and not forced. A lot of times just noticing a negative feeling or pattern and saying it's ok will help you overcome and just noticing a positive pattern or feeling can help you be more willing to continue to develop it. (this is huge I've gotta play with this more - hence the counter) Stance - extend from heels to top of head and play with expanding fingers which changes whole arm shoulder arangement. Relax, allow, it's ok . . . ahhhhhhhh. Also notice my shoulders / arms start to feel spirals when allow chest and throat to open. Same in legs when allow the spiral around up the legs and then up the back to top of head. Relax allow ears to go back at same time as bow and extend heels to head feels nice - face wider and feel happier more jovial/joyful. Right if I forgot anything I hope I can pick it up from other peoples posts! Ok . . . cool. Current Mood: excited (Comment on this)
Monday, July 3rd, 2006
5:39 pm	Sunday Class was quite cool. First off I like the recap at the end of class and I also really enjoy this idea of posting after class good way of getting things straight in my mind - I reccomend. Clicking the Amygdala forward like feeling of smelling something sweet. Something I liked the effects of - will have to play more. Seemed to bring more intense connections to bear between people. Feeling centerline lined up and feeling others in room - picuture of that feeling and then sinking it down / grounding it on your centerline - allowing more connection with that person/people Learned that in silk reeling I was breaking at the solarplex so I am working with moving up and forward more connectedly in silk relling warm up. The timeline review was really helpful. I like the Timeline a lot. It's helped me through a couple rough spots in the past few weeks. For example I really miss Joanna and Scotland a lot. My lifestyle up there was one of total chill, fun, crazy party, training, and not much else oh man what a time . . . anyhow Timeline was really helpful for helping me deal with the intense down-ness of missing. Also the Timeline has helped me get motivated to train. It helps move the oh I gotta practice or the oh shit I haven't practiced in a while thing into the past and lets me be more excited about the upcoming session of training that I'm going to do. The talk about filters was interesting - maybe I don't realize how I'm filtering certain things - theres something to pay attention to esp if the filter will keep me from growing in a direction that I want to. Allowing space is something that is important all of us. Alowing space in personal relationships can be very powerful. I would like to play with allowing space, and being in spaces/affecting them in certain ways to improve interactions within those spaces. (now if only I knew wtf I mean by that lol) Allowing space lets the natural course of events occur freely uninhibited. Allowing yourself space is also important. Without space your development may be choked off literally in some cases. Allowing yourself space is a little like the tomato plant analogy. If one overtends a tomato plant it will not develope deep roots and strong stems, but if you do not tend to it at all it will die. So one must tend to the tomato plant at the appropriate level and give it space to grow deep roots, strong stems, broad leafs, and essentially allow the plant to develop the ability to produce rich fruit. I go on and on about that one b/c it is something I don't do enough though I think a lot of us could benefit from allowing space for ourselves. Best Regards, J P.S. thanks everybody for welcoming me back it's good to see all of you. I'm looking forward to getting together again soon! Current Mood: excited (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, June 30th, 2006
8:18 pm	Class Times? Hey boys and girls, I'm finally back in Michigan to actually stay awhile this time. I just read a bunch of posts I missed and sounds like everybodies been thinking about and experiencing some deep stuff. I look forward to seeing all of you at class. My training - a bit patchy over the road trip - stance everyother or every third day some SR thrown in there a bit. When are classes these days - still sunday at ten? any other times people want to get together? Even if some are too busy to do more than one class a week I would like to try for two even if It's just a short time of a couple of us meeting up to do some standing or tea drinking together. Let me know what you guys think. Cheers, J Current Mood: interested and tired (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, May 29th, 2006
9:15 pm	Hey gang, I've been training sort of patchily but stepping it up a bit in the last while I'm here preping for getting back into Michigan and hitting the ground running. Lots of SR usually standing and 5 rites about every third day Want to do 5 rites every day and SR about 30-60min and stance everyday - we'll see how it goes. Also noticed that I have been seeming to make progress drop back a bit - get drunk and then feel motivated to really get into training and then I seem to make more progress. I think I may be bumping against some emotional issues and they are holdin me back/making me feel agitated/unfocused, but then after partying and drinking I am less agitated emotionally (this is not why I am drinking just noticed the difference in feelings/emotional states today). Hopefully when I get back I can work with this stuff more deeply - especially with the help of the group, and working with Donna again. Anyhow I am having a great time and still keepin' on with the training to the best of my ability. Looking forward to seeing you guys soon. And no I haven't heard of paragraphs and apparently don't believe in them. Cheers guys - see you soon. Current Mood: chill and motivated (Comment on this)
Monday, December 12th, 2005
1:52 am	Stance and my back Stance - for the first time in a couple days. I noticed that the spot in my right upper back cracked a lot, and realized that it has been doing this a lot recently. Also periodically my right side of my neck down through the muscles in the top and front of my shoulder spasm on the right side, and then it will relax and feel like my shoulder sinks down into a better place, but then happens again. Feel like during stance I am pulsing / maybe inconsistent with my concentration and intention to expand out. Like feeling good and relaxed and lots of connection and expanding and next thing I know I'm in a wack spot or my muscle spasm and then correct and I'm good to go in a bit but happens pretty fast in both directions and often during stance. - Any suggestions comments or ideas from anybody who reads this would be appreciated. Anyhow gonna keep on keepin' on, little stressed about having to buckle down and study a lot for finals, but still going to have a good time, and feeling good in general. Looking forward to a lot of things up coming. Current Mood: interested (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, December 5th, 2005
3:05 am	Been really busy but good. Finished recording our CD on Saturday night! celebrated with champagne and 40's. Had a great time with the guys hanging out, talking, yelling, laughing, playing mario party, etc. Great weekend. Really excited to have the finished CD next semester. Our x-mas show is coming up this week and I'm hella busy with school, so I'll be running pretty much non stop for this week, but I think I'll have more fun than stress. Stance - left shoulder ached around the bump on tip of collard bone towards end of stance and for 5-10 min after. Hope/think that is fascia breaking free around it and not me stressing it in bad way. Left knee hurt, but that was isolated incident of me trying to force my left knee to turn in and getting sharp pain - obviously abandoned that approach. Tried to extend chin and head upward without forcing up and tensing. Can feel a lot of difference during stance in this area. Occuput, undercheeckbones, and jar tense and have to conciously relax them often, which gnerally gets a good feeling of fullness and sinking weight into my abdomin and also helps straighten my upper back out of hunching slightly. Current Mood: little anxious mostly excited (Comment on this)
Friday, November 18th, 2005
1:15 am	today was pretty relaxed. After gettin out of the genetics test that I didn't do so great on the rest of the day was real slow. I caught lunch in the CDR with Alissa n this other girl. Shot the shit had a couple laughs. Was reminded of how greasy the CDR food is and how it sits so heavy in the belly. Dunno ate a lot today kinda slowed me down on the whole I think, that n jerkin off pretty much took it outta me for a good chunk of the day. Did brocade, some side to side, and some cals just cause I felt pretty energized in the afternoon but otherwise day was kinda dreary sleeply like deal. Was supposed to hook up with stefani, but didn't get a hold of her, but since I've been kinda tired not really too bothered by that. Started readin zen and the art of motorcycle maintenance and am diggin the first bit. thats pretty much it kinda a boring day with only a glimmer of energy and training. Think I might be getting a chest cold which sucks. Anyhow thats about it. Side to side and Brocade - found that if I relaxed my neck and occuput area that my upper back straightened (less hunch of upperback/shoulders). Felt good. Still spacey and lose count of breath during brocade but I guess thats status quo for me. Stance - a little wack again today. Mostly up in my head. Was tired and didn't want to stand at first then decided I'd do it anyway b/c I want to develope my grounding and body connection etc. etc. and so stood but about 20 or 25 min in I quit. Better than no stance I guess but still feel like I should have stood the whole 55 min I had planned to. Got tired and discouraged with trying to adjust by lower back and roll quads in and keep belly relaxed. Also left shoulder and spot in upper back on the right side cracked n popped and were uncomfortable and I couldn't seem to adjust them. Basically got caught up in the stance dance. Feel a little down and discouraged, but tomorrows another day, and I'll keep at it. (Comment on this)
Monday, November 14th, 2005
2:42 am	This weekend was really good. It was nice to go to Mr. V's place have a beer n a couple shots with v and r and push some hands n such. That adjustment of rolling quading inward has really helped get my weight down into my legs and also hook up some fascial connections for me. I feel like that was a big change for me stance yesterday and just now tonight. The seminar was good it was interesting to see other people do work, and get the chance to do some myself. I'm going to be general and quick cause it's late n I should sleep so I can do school stuff tomorrow. It was really good to see the guys from our school and hanging out with mr. d, r, and v was great. More tomorrow. (Comment on this)
Thursday, November 10th, 2005
12:13 pm	noticed that I've been spending a lot of time thinking about how my practice should feel or what I should be doing in my practice. This has been precluding actually feeling in my practice and noticing my own body how it actually is, also these should's and shouldn'ts create a lot of tension in my body. I am going to try just doing the practice to do it without preconcieved notions of how it should be or how good I am or am not. I think this will be more fun. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, November 7th, 2005
9:21 pm	also when came to I had the "I'm a man" type of feeling that older, responsible, clearheaded sobriety that I've been seeking. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
9:19 pm	Oddly enough like 15 min after writing the last post I just kinda snapped to myself (came to - like out of a daze) and felt pretty clearheaded and ready to do. I made a PB & J and then started my econ hw. Now I am taking a break from the econ essay I'm writing in order to write this so I do not forget to and so the feeling is still fresh. (Comment on this)
8:15 pm	Finished reading radical honesty . . . yes finally. feel kinda hopeless, but good. Thinking about being myself instead of this image I've cooked up for a long time. Also thinking about saying fuck it and just leaping into the fray fucked as I am and not worrying about it cause it doesn't matter anyhow and I feel like I'm teetering on the edge between being totally weak and powerless - knocked around by life and totally empowered, free to do whatever I want because what does it matter anyway! Part of me just wants to run the fuck away and hide someplace. Maybe I should join a zen monestary. I'd get to eat a simple diet, do some landscaping, sit and be quiet and do my best not to think. Or maybe I should just do that anyway on my own. Feel like a failure but who isn't one - seriously I can't think of a single person who is not a fuck up in most ways with at best a few redeeming qualities. I've spent most of my life pretending to be some sort of warrior, samurai, or soldier with the attitude show me the "right" or "best" path and I will walk it. Tell me what to do and I'll do it better than everyone else, more fervently, with more insane devotion, and more idiotically filled with hate. This whole taking responsibility for myself and choosing what to do and being honest about not knowing what the fuck is going on for real is scary as fuck for me (and yes probably everybody else too but right now I'm kind of self absorbed). So ya. Anyway I'm going to go do some HW and maybe work out a bit just because because because . . . because. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, November 6th, 2005
4:02 am	Slept most of today. Had a fairly relaxed evening. Did stance again today after having not stood for couple days felt pretty good. Dunno today went out and about hanging out - felt a bit awkward and uncomfortable around people for some reason early in the night. On the whole it was an alright night. Caught up with kat, richard, chris which was nice. Then got back to my house where few people were playing beer pong and this one girl was beligerant and talkin all kinds of shit. So I played a game of beer pong with them and shot some shit back - really funny had some laughs with the guys and then called it a night and here I am writing. Feel motivated to get going on stuff - actually emailed community service center which is going to call me in the next couple days and I'll volunteer at this place Big brothers big sisters where I basically chill with a kid, help them with homework, hang out, read to them, take them out and about etc. I think that might be a good thing for me to do - I may still look into some other options though. It's really late again and I hope I don't sleep a lot tomorrow like I did today. Anyhow crashin out so I can do stuff tomorrow and tear it up go running (pretty excited about running - really feels good). Stance - fell a lot again, same pelvic thrusting and spasms. Same emotions coming up in intense bursts, lots of coughing. Felt a cold tingle/burn in my solarplex/diafram area after a lot of coughing and my whole upper body felt more open but only lasted for a little while. Pretty spacey lots of day dreams and memories and music in head, internal voice(s) etc. Think that happens more after I've been drinking. Anyhow thats about it. Night. (Comment on this)
Friday, November 4th, 2005
6:17 pm	Today was pretty much econ class - enjoyable giving shit n chatting with couple girls and this guy that sit around me. Sleepiung for a few hours - recovering from drinking last night no doubt. Then finally getting up reading a good chunk fo radical honesty, playing ultimate frisbee (fun times) and then running. The run was pretty good working with trying to relax as much as possible while running and keeping light step. Thats about it so far today maybe more later. (Comment on this)